Competence, Likeability and Trust Are Three Different Things

I've been watching quite a bit of crime television lately.

I recently finished all three seasons of the Turkish series Graveyard (Mezarlık), I'm currently on Season 3 of The Rookie, and I've finally reached Season 12 of Bones.

They are three crime procedurals that give me very different viewing experiences.

Graveyard is intense and often emotionally heavy. The Rookie is a much lighter watch, with plenty of humour and entertaining characters. Bones has been a long-running favourite, particularly because of its combination of science, criminal investigations, and character dynamics.

While watching these shows, I realised something about the characters that stood out to me across all three series.

Oscar Hutchinson from The Rookie

For example, the character Oscar Hutchinson from The Rookie. He is a ruthless psychopathic criminal - manipulative, opportunistic and certainly not someone I'd want anywhere near my personal or professional life.

But he's brilliant at surviving. He reads situations, identifies opportunities and makes himself useful when necessary. Even when circumstances are stacked against him, he somehow manages to find a way to stay in the game.

I find him thoroughly entertaining. You ask, would I trust him? Absolutely not. Hahaha. But I find his resourcefulness rather impressive, though it doesn't excuse his behaviour.

Inspector Önem from Graveyard

Then there's Inspector Önem from Graveyard.

She's truly capable, although she's severely underestimated in the beginning. She's determined and willing to challenge institutional failures, particularly when investigating crimes against women. She doesn't always have an easy relationship with the people around her, but she knows what she's doing.

What I enjoyed most about the first two seasons was the team dynamic between Önem, Serdar, Hasan, Selin and Berk.

They have different personalities, strengths and ways of approaching situations. They don't always agree, and they get frustrated with one another quite frequently. But they know how to work together when it matters.

However, Season 3 was disappointing. The storyline became unnecessarily complicated with an unsatisfying ending. After three seasons of investing in these characters, I expected a better resolution.

Still, I enjoyed watching how the team functioned in the earlier two seasons.

Dr Lance Sweets from Bones

And then, Bones! I've always appreciated the different expertise that each character brings to the investigations. Dr Brennan is exceptionally knowledgeable, Booth has his investigative instincts, and the Jeffersonian team (Hodgins, Angela, Dr Saroyan, and the whole rotation of interns) contributes its scientific expertise.

But my favourite character will always be Dr Lance Sweets. To me, he is the GOAT! Hahaha.

He's intelligent, perceptive, funny and kind. He understands human behaviour and can recognise things that others overlook. He doesn't need to be the most senior or authoritative person in the room to demonstrate his value.

What I particularly liked was how he could challenge Booth and Brennan without trying to compete with either of them. He knew what he brought to the table.

Competence, Likeability, Trust

Thinking about these characters, I realise that competence, likeability and trust are not necessarily the same thing.

Here's how I look at it:

Despite being a criminal, Oscar gets things done, but he primarily uses his abilities to protect his own interests, which means his intelligence doesn't make him reliable or trustworthy.

Sweets, on the other hand, combines competence with sincerity and a genuine concern for others, which makes him very likeable.

And Önem demonstrates her abilities through her actions, earning trust from her teammates, even when circumstances are difficult.

The Distinction That Matters Beyond TV Characters

Over the years, I've worked with people whose personalities and approaches are very different from mine. Some are systematic and detail-oriented; others are more intuitive or spontaneous.

I don't necessarily have a problem with either approach.

I can appreciate someone's abilities even when they work differently from me because I don't expect everyone to think the same way or arrive at decisions through the same process.

What matters the most to me is this: "Can the person deliver what they have promised and committed to doing?"

Trust is an important workplace "currency" that I associate with consistency, accountability, and demonstrated behaviour.

A confident personality who can make grand promises doesn't automatically establish competence. Neither does seniority, a job title or being particularly good at talking.

Likewise, having a difficult personality doesn't necessarily mean someone lacks ability or competency.

I've become more conscious of separating these things rather than treating them as interchangeable.

I can recognise someone's strengths without liking everything about them; I can appreciate intelligence without needing to know how it's used; and I have become very deliberate in creating opportunities to earn and learn trust, which is a very expensive "currency".

Perhaps that's also why I enjoy ensemble casts. Different characters contribute different abilities, and not everyone needs to be the star.

Anyway, I'm still watching The Rookie, and I'm quite happy to keep it as a light, entertaining series.

No need for every episode to provide an important life lesson.

Although, apparently, I can't even watch a fictional criminal like Oscar Hutchinson without thinking about competence and trust.

Hahaha.

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Xennial Women's Bingo

I'm a Xennial.

Xennial is the micro-generation that sits between younger Gen X and older Millennials, with the commonly cited range being 1977-1983.

The top half of our lives was extraordinarily analogue. We have made mixtapes, survived dial-up internet, lived perfectly well without smartphones and somehow managed to meet people without sharing our live location. 😂

We also grew up when health information came largely from parents, magazines, doctors and whatever someone's aunty said. Then we became adults during the internet revolution.

Now we are in our 40's, entering perimenopause in an era of wearables, podcasts, TikTok doctors, supplements, HRT debates, health influencers, private screening packages, AI and Dr Google.

We are taking words like oestrogen, ApoB, visceral fat, bone density and insulin resistance seriously.

In fact, some of us could be taking magnesium, trying to sleep earlier, interpreting blood test results, and asking more questions before and during medical appointments.

I made a Xennial Women's Bingo card.

How many boxes can you tick? 😂

Actually, I'm also curious about something slightly more serious: How does a generation of women who grew up trusting traditional sources of health information navigate an overwhelming abundance of health information at midlife?

Because we may be the last generation that grew up without the internet, and one of the first to navigate midlife with almost unlimited health information at our fingertips.

This combination fascinates me.

When curiosity becomes a commitment.

What started as an interest in understanding this stage of life has developed into something broader.

I'm increasingly curious about how women search for health information, whom they trust, and how they decide what is worth buying, trying or paying for.

And to be honest... I've been thinking about what it means to pursue an intellectual interest seriously, especially at this stage of life.

Professional experience doesn't automatically translate into academic research competence. There are new methods to learn, assumptions to challenge and different standards of evidence to understand.

Looks like, somewhere along the way, my curiosity has become more deliberate. I'm no longer just reading because something interests me. I'm beginning to think about what it would take to contribute something meaningful to the subject.

That excites me as much as it intimidates me.

For now, I'll keep the curiosity burning as I prepare mentally and physically for my commitment for the next few years.

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Why I Refuse to Stay Quiet About Perimenopause | Menopause Awareness Month

October is Menopause Awareness Month

For generations, women went through menopause and the years leading up to it, pretty quietly. In this October, which is also the Month of Menopause Awareness, I've been thinking a lot about why that silence existed for so long and why I don't think we need to continue it.

For a very long time, older women's health wasn't something people talked about openly. Partly because menopause is considered a natural stage of life, so the expectation basically goes like this: "Every woman goes through it, so just tahan only lah."

And partly, I think, because nobody wanted to be judged. But unfortunately, some of that judgement comes from other women too. The most common one that I always hear is this: "Our mothers and grandmothers went through menopause too. They didn't make such a big fuss about it."

This is where I respectfully disagree.

What Our Mothers Didn't Say

Just because previous generations went through something silently doesn't mean they went through it comfortably.

• Maybe they didn't have the words for what they were feeling.
• Maybe nobody told them that the insomnia, anxiety, brain fog, rage, exhaustion, palpitations, changing periods, joint aches or loss of libido could all be connected.
• Maybe they did mention it to their doctors, but their doctors told them it was stress, ageing, motherhood, or simply part of being a woman.
• Or maybe they just got on with life because what other choice did they have?

To be very frank, I don't see their silence as proof that menopause wasn't challenging. Sometimes silence is just silence.

Yes, It's Natural, I Know

As a Gen X woman going through perimenopause right now, I feel that women of my generation are most likely among the first to talk about this stage of life so openly and publicly.

And to some women from earlier generations, we probably sound like we're making a lot of noise over something completely natural.

But here's the thing: 'natural' doesn't mean easy.

Yes, childbirth, period, and ageing – all these are natural occurrences in a woman's life. But pain is still pain.

For some women, perimenopause is fairly manageable. For others, the symptoms can be bloody unbearable.

On some days, the irritability is ridiculous, sleep can be rubbish, anxiety turns up for no obvious reason, or my mental bandwidth disappears much faster than it used to. And sometimes noise, people and normal everyday stuff are just TOO MUCH.

And when several of these things happen at the same time, being told "it's natural" doesn’t really help.

I know it's natural. But I still need to know what the hell is happening to me.

Talking About It Isn't the Same as Blaming Everything on Hormones

This one is important. Being vocal about perimenopause doesn't mean I want to put every woman in her 40s into a box:

• Bad mood? Hormones.
• Can't sleep? Hormones.
• Forgot something? Hormones.
• Annoyed with your husband? Definitely hormones. 😂

No lah.

There are many reasons someone might feel anxious, tired, foggy or unable to sleep. Some of those symptoms may need proper medical checks because there could be something else going on entirely.

I'm not trying to blame hormones for everything. I just want perimenopause to be part of the context, so we can ask better questions.

• Could this be hormonal?
• Could it be my thyroid?
• Am I low on something?
• Is it stress?
• Could it be something psychological?
• Should I see a doctor?
• Would treatment help?
• What lifestyle changes do I need?

Asking these questions isn't making excuses. It's about being able to make informed decisions and take charge of our health.

Silence Doesn't Make Us Stronger

I have huge respect for the women before us. They raised families, worked, looked after ageing parents and kept households running, all while their bodies were changing, usually with very little information or support.

But respecting their resilience doesn't mean we have to copy their silence.

First, if we know more now, why not talk about it?

Second, if treatments and support exist, why shouldn't women know about them?

Third, if talking about it can save another woman from spending years wondering, "Why am I becoming like this?" then I'd rather talk about it, bravely.

Why I'm Choosing to Be Vocal About It

This is also why being featured on Menopause Asia as an advocate means something to me.

I don't see advocacy as standing on a soapbox telling women what they should think or do. For me, advocacy means:

• Talking openly about what I'm experiencing.
• Sharing what I'm learning.
• Asking questions that perhaps women before us were never encouraged to ask.
• Helping another woman recognise that what she's going through deserves attention rather than dismissal.

I'm still learning myself; I don't have all the answers, and I don't think every midlife symptom should automatically be labelled perimenopause.

But I do think women deserve enough information to recognise when something has changed, enough confidence to ask why, and access to the right support if they need it.

That, to me, is what advocacy looks like.

I'm not talking about perimenopause because I think women are fragile but because women deserve to understand what is happening to their own bodies.

There's no prize for suffering quietly. And silence is something that we don't need to pass down.

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Looks Like Sarawak Is Becoming the Kind of Place We No Longer Have to Leave

Note: Created by ChatGPT

For years, many of us Sarawakians left our home state and moved to Klang Valley because we believed we had to. We left to study, work, seek more opportunities, and eventually build entire lives away from our hometowns.

About 30 years ago, I was one of them. I moved to Kuala Lumpur to study at Universiti Malaya. It was a practical thing to do because I had secured a spot at the most prestigious university in the country. I couldn't give up the opportunity; I had to grab it.

Fast forward to today, I am still here. I have a career, am married, and have children who are growing up knowing West Malaysia as home. I have also completed my master's degree study at Sunway University. Our routines, schools, work, friends and lives are here.

Relocating back to Sarawak is obviously not as straightforward as deciding one morning, "Okay lah, let's go home."

But lately, something has been making me think about whether I could consider building a life back in Sarawak.

Sarawak suddenly feels like it is developing at a breakneck pace.

Lately I have been seeing one development after another coming out of Sarawak. At first, I thought it was just my social media algorithm feeding me more Sarawak content.

Then I started looking deeper into it, and there really is quite a lot happening:

Note: Created by ChatGPT

• The economy is growing. Sarawak's economy reached RM153.5 billion in 2025, while GDP per capita stood at RM73,757, higher than the national figure of RM59,167. Source: Department of Statistics Malaysia, 2026
• Billions in investment are coming in. Sarawak recorded RM10.8 billion in approved investments in the first half of 2026. Source: MIDA, 2026
• Investments and plans are also emerging in renewable energy, hydrogen, digital infrastructure, AI and data centres, including the planned 500MW FutureData Park in Kuching. Source: InvestSarawak, 2026
• Phase One of the Kuching Urban Transportation System (KUTS) covers almost 70km with 28 stations, using hydrogen-powered Autonomous Rapid Transit (ART) vehicles and feeder buses. Source: Sarawak Ministry of Transport, 2026
• A feasibility study for the proposed new Kuching International Airport at Tanjung Embang has been completed. Source: Sarawak Ministry of Transport, 2026
• IKEA is opening its first East Malaysian store in Kuching. Source: IKEA, 2026

Then there is one development that caught my attention more than all the shiny new infrastructure. Maybe this is because I am a parent now.

Free Tertiary Education Scheme in Sarawak

From 2026, Sarawak has allocated RM250 million for its Free Tertiary Education Scheme. The scheme covers 64 undergraduate programmes across four Sarawak-owned institutions: Swinburne University of Technology Sarawak Campus, Curtin University Malaysia, University of Technology Sarawak and i-CATS University College.

For eligible students from lower-income households, there is also a living allowance of up to RM15,000 a year. The programmes are not randomly chosen. They include areas such as STEM, medicine, law, accounting, finance and psychology, with the stated intention of developing talent for Sarawak's future workforce.

There are other initiatives too. The 2026 Sarawak Budget includes RM30.5 million for the Free Laptop Programme, RM36 million for the operation of Yayasan Sarawak International Secondary Schools, and RM8 million for the Graduates Return to Sarawak Initiative, which subsidises flights for Sarawakian students studying in Peninsular Malaysia, Sabah and Labuan.

Wow!

Almost 30 years ago, I was one of the many students leaving Sarawak for tertiary education. If I were 18 today, looking at all these developments, would I still make the same decision?

I genuinely don't know.

And perhaps the more relevant question for me now is, "What does all this mean for my children?"

Here's where the numbers become more complicated.

I don't intend for this blog post to become one of those "Sarawak is booming, everyone let's go home!" pieces.

To put things into perspective, economic growth and shiny infrastructure are only one side of the equation.

Sarawak's unemployment rate was 3.2% in 2025, according to the Department of Statistics Malaysia. Although Sarawak's economy is substantial and growing, its economic structure is very different from Kuala Lumpur's. Services accounted for 39.3% of Sarawak's economy in 2025, compared with 91.7% in Kuala Lumpur.

These numbers matter to me because my professional background is in the service industry: marketing, content and digital work. My professional networks are here. Moving somewhere with a growing economy doesn't automatically mean there will be equivalent senior-level opportunities in my particular field.

There are also questions that GDP figures cannot answer. What are salaries like? What kinds of senior jobs are actually available? What about healthcare and specialist care as we get older? What opportunities would my children have as teenagers and eventually young adults? Would they reach 18 and tell me that they need to leave Sarawak for the same reasons I once did?

Those questions matter much more to me than the number of new buildings going up.

Because moving "home" after 30 years isn't really going home.

I still call Sarawak home, but I have spent more of my adult life in West Malaysia than I ever did living there. The Sarawak I remember from my childhood is inevitably imprinted somewhere in my memory, while the actual Sarawak has continued changing without me.

So relocating wouldn't really mean returning to my old life. It would mean building another one.

And this time, I couldn't make the decision only for myself. I have my family, career, friends, routines, and an entire ecosystem that I have built over nearly three decades.

Which is also why I am definitely not packing boxes now. Lol.

But I guess I can start preparing my children for the free education in Sarawak.

Maybe that's where this begins. Not with a plan to move home, but with the realisation that Sarawak has changed enough for me to start thinking about it.

Disclaimer: The views, reflections and opinions expressed in this post are entirely my own. This blog post and its accompanying images were co-created with ChatGPT, which I used as a research, writing and creative tool. All final editorial decisions, interpretations and opinions are mine.

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My Kids' Paediatric Endocrinologist Has Put His Foot Down About Sleeping Early

During a recent dietitian appointment for my youngest kiddo, while we were discussing food, calories and how to help him gain weight, the dietitian reminded us that sleep is also important for growth.

This means I need to think about more than just feeding my child more. I also need to make sure he sleeps earlier and has adequate hours of sleep, just like what his dietitian mentioned, and as reaffirmed by his paediatric endocrinologist, Prof. Dr Yazid at UMSC.

So naturally, this sent me down another research rabbit hole, because I wanted to understand why sleep was being treated as such an important part of his growth plan. Okay, I don't know how this happened, but I seem to have conveniently forgotten that kids grow during their sleep.

What does sleep actually have to do with children's growth?

As it turns out, quite a lot.

Growth hormone (GH) plays an important role in childhood growth, and its secretion is closely associated with sleep. Research has found that significant GH release occurs around the first period of slow-wave, or deep, sleep, particularly during the earlier part of the sleep period.

Source: Instagram

Research suggests that adequate, good-quality and regular sleep is important for children's health and development, and sleep is closely connected to the normal secretion of growth hormone. Children who get enough sleep at the correct timing tend to be able to grow taller.

For children aged 6 to 12, the American Academy of Sleep Medicine recommends between 9 and 12 hours of sleep per 24 hours, while teenagers aged 13 to 18 should generally get between 8 and 10 hours.

Guess what the timing is? 

Children should already be asleep no later than 10pm, preferably by 9pm.

Seriously?

But why wasn't this emphasised more?

Look, my kids have seen paediatricians throughout their childhood for general checkups, vaccinations, nutrition and growth charts, along with all the other things that parents normally discuss with their children's doctors.

Of course, we've also been told that children need enough sleep. I don't think there is a parent alive who doesn't know that children are supposed to sleep early.

But I now realise that there is a significant difference between being told, "Make sure he gets enough sleep," and being told, "Sleep needs to be part of how we manage his growth."

Those two statements would have landed very differently with me as a parent.

It was only when we started seeing a paediatric endocrinologist that I began to understand how seriously I should be treating sleep in the context of growth. Now that the dietitian has reinforced the same message, I find myself wondering why I didn't understand its importance much earlier.

How I wish somebody had made the connection much more explicit. If someone had told me years ago that when we assess a child's growth, we should be looking at nutrition, sleep and the overall growth pattern together, I would have treated bedtime very differently.

Anyway, turning bedtime into another reason to beat myself up isn't going to help anyone. What I can do is take what we know now and change what happens from here.

So Operation 'Sleep Earlier' Begins!

I'm realistic enough to know that announcing, "From tonight onwards, everybody goes to bed before 10pm!" is probably the fastest way to make the whole exercise fail.

Our bedtime has gradually crept later over the years, so I'm treating this as something we need to reset rather than something I can change overnight.

1. Move bedtime earlier gradually.

Instead of suddenly trying to shift bedtime by an hour, we can move it earlier in smaller increments. Even bringing bedtime forward by 15 minutes every few nights gives their bodies and our household routine some time to adjust.

The goal isn't to achieve the perfect bedtime immediately. It's to gradually make an earlier bedtime feel normal.

2. Work backwards from wake-up time.

This has been one of the more useful ways for me to think about it.

Instead of asking why my children need to sleep so ridiculously early, I can start with the time they need to wake up for school and work backwards according to how much sleep they need for their age.

Once I do the maths, bedtime becomes somehow less negotiable.

3. Start the bedtime routine well before bedtime.

I've also realised that saying "bedtime is 9pm" cannot mean that we start preparing for bed at 9pm.

BUT there is coming home from tuition or football, showering, packing school bags, finding things and, inevitably, remembering something important right before bedtime.

If I want them asleep earlier, the entire household needs to start slowing down earlier.

4. Screens need a bedtime too.

This is probably going to be one of the harder changes because "five more minutes" on a phone has a remarkable ability to become half an hour.

Rather than focusing only on what time the children get into bed, I think we need a clearer time when screens stop too. That gives them some time to wind down before they're expected to fall asleep.

5. Aim for consistency rather than perfection.

There will inevitably be late dinners, homework, football, family activities and weekends when everything goes completely off schedule.

I'm not trying to run a military camp where everybody must be unconscious at exactly 9.37 pm.

What I want is for an earlier bedtime to become our normal routine rather than something we attempt only when there is school the next morning.

Parenthood is not for the faint-hearted.

The more I learn about children's growth, the more I realise that there isn't one magic food, supplement or habit that determines how tall a child eventually becomes. Genetics matter, nutrition matters, overall health matters, hormones matter, and sleep is another part of that complicated picture.

There are many things about their growth that I cannot control, and perhaps that's the part of motherhood that makes me the most anxious. I can do all the right things and still have to accept that I cannot personally command their bodies to grow.

What I can do is make use of the information we have now.

I can work on his nutrition. I can add the extra oil. I can make his snacks more substantial. I can keep taking him to his appointments and keep monitoring his progress.

And I guess I can also occasionally be that mother who starts shouting across the house every night, "GO TO SLEEP! YOU NEED TO GROW!"

Haha.

Wish me all the best!

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September Is Perimenopause Awareness Month

What Exactly Is Perimenopause?

If there's one thing I've realised from learning more about this stage of life, it's this: many women enter perimenopause without really knowing what to expect.

We know that menopause is when menstruation stops. This is the simplest explanation.

But perimenopause, the transition phase before menopause, can last up to 8 to 10 years before menopause actually occurs.

During perimenopause, which Dr Mary Claire Haver describes as the Zone of Chaos, hormones such as estrogen, progesterone and testosterone become increasingly unpredictable, and the effects can show up in ways that don't immediately seem hormonal at all: brain fog, anxiety, poor sleep, mood changes, joint aches, palpitations, changes in body composition and many more.

Which is why, so many women in their 40s seem to describe similar experiences:

"Maybe I'm just stressed."

"Maybe I'm just getting old already lah."

"Why don't I feel like myself anymore?"

And then you finally start connecting the dots.

Discovering the Perimenopause Rollercoaster

My Blog Posts

I thought estrogen was just a reproductive hormone. Here's what I learnt about estrogen's role in brain fog, mood, sleep and other perimenopause changes.

Why do anxiety, irritability, and poor sleep feel different in perimenopause? Here's what I learnt about progesterone and feeling less steady in midlife.

Feeling flat, less motivated or low in energy? Here's what I learnt about testosterone in women and how it may affect drive, strength, and midlife.

Aha. No wonder lah!

Perimenopause Deserves More Conversations

Awareness matters because recognising that these changes could be related to perimenopause gives us more context. It helps us ask better questions, seek appropriate support and have more informed conversations about what is happening to our bodies.

If you're wondering whether some of the changes you’ve been experiencing could be related to perimenopause, you can also reach out to Menopause Asia.

It is a digital platform that connects women with independently licensed doctors, reliable information and practical midlife health resources, with the aim of making menopause support easier to access and navigate. Menopause Asia itself is not a healthcare provider; medical consultations are provided independently by licensed healthcare professionals.

Sometimes, knowing what might be happening is already a very useful first step.

So this September, maybe tell another woman what you've learnt too.

Because the more openly we talk about perimenopause, the less likely someone else is to spend years thinking: "What on earth is wrong with me?"

❤️ Share this with a woman who might need her own Aha, No Wonder Lah moment.

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Adding Oil to Everything Is Now Part of My Parenting Strategy

I came home from a dietitian appointment recently with a new parenting strategy:

Add oil to lunch, dinner, and whatever food my child will happily eat.

So apparently, when you're trying to help a child gain weight, sometimes the answer isn't eat more. It's figuring out how to make what they're already eating work a little harder.

I just realised this is one of those parenting things I never thought I'd know need to put into practice.

For the past few months, we've been working with a dietitian to help our youngest kiddo with his growth. He's always been on the smaller side, so we're trying to help him gain weight steadily and, hopefully, support his height growth along the way.

The good news from our latest appointment is that he has gained some weight.

Although not a drastic increase, it was enough for the dietitian to mention that whatever we're doing, keep doing it.

So next, we add oil.

One of the things I've learnt is that helping a child gain weight doesn't necessarily mean piling more food onto his plate.

Because if your child already doesn't eat very much, staring at an even bigger mountain of food isn't exactly going to inspire him.

Instead, we're learning to increase the calorie density of the food he's already eating.

Hence: oil (e.g., olive oil, butter).

And we're also encouraged to add things like fried shallots, fried garlic, and fried ikan bilis to his meals; basically foods that add more oil, protein, and calories without significantly increasing the amount of food he has to finish.

Vegetables require a different strategy.

This is another thing I liked from the dietitian.

Instead of constantly introducing vegetables as a separate 'you must eat this because it's good for you' item, we can introduce them through something he already likes.

He loves tom yum, for example.

So rather than saying, "Here is a new veggie. Eat it." It can be, "Here's your tom yum. There's a nice veggie in it." 😂

He's already started accepting a few vegetables, so the idea now is to keep those consistent while slowly expanding the selection.

Sleep is not for the weak.

This one is probably going to be harder than adding oil.

The dietitian also reminded us that nutrition is only one part of growth; sleep matters too.

So we're now working towards an earlier and more consistent bedtime, which means my child's growth plan involves not only what happens at the dining table, but also what time he needs to be in bed.

Wish me luck!

Small progress is still progress.

I think that's probably my biggest takeaway from these appointments.

When you're watching a child's growth over time, progress doesn't always look dramatic. Sometimes it's simply seeing that the gap on the growth chart has become a little smaller.

And for now, that's enough to make me happy.

We have another few months before the next check-in, so the plan is pretty simple:

• Keep doing what seems to be working.
• Keep making his snacks more substantial.
• Keep introducing food, including veggies, without turning every meal into a battle.
• Get him to bed earlier.
• And of course, add oil to his food.

Wish me luck!

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Where Did My Spark Go?

After learning about the chaotic behaviour of fluctuating estrogen and progesterone during perimenopause, I thought I understood this whole hormone situation.

Then testosterone came along.

Women Have Testosterone Too

What? Seriously? 

Did you know that women have testosterone too? This was probably the first misconception I had to get rid of.

Testosterone is not exclusively a male hormone. Women produce it too, just in smaller amounts.

Source: Instagram | joiedevivrefit

In women, testosterone supports:

• Energy and vitality
• Libido
• Muscle and strength
• Bone health
• Confidence and drive
• Cognitive sharpness
• Skin and hair

Okay wait.

So, estrogen has its hands in almost everything.

Progesterone is involved in calmness and sleep.

And now testosterone is in the picture, deciding whether I still have energy, drive, and motivation.

How many functions are these hormones actually running? 😑

The "I've Lost My Spark" Feeling

Because low testosterone in women can be described less like feeling unwell and more like this vague sense of flatness.

It's not necessarily sadness or depression. Just... "I don't feel like I used to."

Some women describe it as:

"I've lost my spark."

"I feel flat."

"I'm going through the motions."

"I don't recognise myself."

That whole cluster stood out to me because it's such a subtle thing.

There may not be anything dramatically wrong; you're still functioning, going to work, doing what needs to be done, and showing up.

But somewhere along the way, the enthusiasm feels smaller and the drive is less.

The "I can't be bothered" moments become more frequent.

And you may start wondering, "Am I just tired? Lazy? Burnt out? Bored? Getting old? Or is there something else going on too?"

Then There Is the Energy Problem

This one is interesting, because "tired" can mean so many things.

There's sleepy tired, physically exhausted tired, and mentally overloaded tired.

And then there's this other kind of "tired" where you can technically do something but just don't feel like it.

Because the motivation, enthusiasm, and that forward momentum are missing.

Now to be fair, sometimes I genuinely cannot be bothered because the thing is annoying and I have reached that stage in life where I no longer want to waste energy pretending otherwise. 😂

But still.

I find it striking that testosterone is also associated with drive and vitality, because those are not usually the things women are taught to connect with hormones.

Strength Training Is a Big Deal

Declining testosterone has been linked to reduced muscle mass, less physical resilience and shifts in body composition. This is probably the most practical takeaway I got from this topic.

Experts put a lot of emphasis on resistance or strength training and suggest two to three sessions a week as an important part of supporting strength and muscle in midlife.

Strength training seems to be the "prescription" for almost everything related to perimenopause, bone health, muscle mass, and metabolism.

Sigh, I suppose this is one of those moments where I can no longer pretend I didn't get the memo.

Looks like I need to stop avoiding strength training. 😑

Excuses Vs Context

Anyway, learning about hormones isn't about finding an excuse.

It's about understanding that sometimes there is more context behind the question, "Why don't I feel like myself anymore?"

Maybe the better questions are, "What has changed?" and "What can I do?"

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Why Don't I Feel As Steady As I Used To?

After learning about estrogen, I thought, okay... at least now I understand a little better why perimenopause can feel so random.

Then there's one more hormone in the picture: progesterone.

Just like estrogen, I associate progesterone with pregnancy or fertility. That's it.

What I didn't realise is that progesterone is closely linked to sleep, anxiety, mood, and that general sense of feeling calm and steady.

And when I learnt that?

Aha. No wonder lah!

Progesterone Is the Underrated Hormone

Estrogen gets a lot of attention when we talk about menopause. And progesterone seems to be the quieter one sitting somewhere at the back.

But I'm beginning to realise this quiet hormone may explain some of the things that bother me the most. Things like:

• Why am I more easily overwhelmed than before?
• Why does anxiety appear when there isn't actually anything specific to be anxious about?
• Why can I be physically tired, but my brain refuses to switch off?
• Why don't I feel as emotionally steady as I used to?

That last one really caught my attention because sometimes it isn't even about being sad, angry or anxious. It's just this feeling of... I used to handle things better.

Let me to explain what that means:

• I begin to realise things that I would previously just let them be; now they suddenly irritate me more.
• Stress seems to use up my mental bandwidth way faster than what I'd like to admit.
• Some days I just have less tolerance for nonsense.

Okay, maybe the last one is also age and experience. 😂

But still.

It made me wonder how much of what we describe as "I've changed" could actually be happening alongside hormonal changes too.

Progesterone Apparently Starts Changing Early

Source: Dr. Mary Clair Haver

This was another thing I didn't know.

I always assumed all our hormones basically started declining together as we approached menopause.

Progesterone is produced after ovulation. But as we move through our late 30s and 40s and ovulation becomes less consistent, progesterone production can also become less consistent.

You may still be having periods, not having hot flushes, or not even be thinking about perimenopause. But hormonally, things may already be changing.

Aha. No wonder lah!

This also made me realise why the beginning of perimenopause can be so confusing.

We tend to look out for the stereotypical menopause symptoms. No hot flush? Still menstruating? Then surely everything is normal, right?

Except the changes may have started much earlier and may show up in completely different ways.

Then There Is the Anxiety

This was actually one of my bigger aha moments.

I recently understood that anxiety can worsen when progesterone declines, while fluctuating estrogen can also contribute to it.

My immediate response was basically: AHA. NO WONDER LAH.

So progesterone is fluctuating; estrogen is going up and down like a rollercoaster.

And my nervous system is somewhere in the middle, going, "Good luck everybody!" 😂

Of course, anxiety has many causes, and I'm not going to blame every anxious moment on hormones.

Work, family, traffic, incompetent people are... well, incompetent people.

But what I find frustrating is the kind of anxiety that sometimes seems to come from nowhere.

Nothing particularly terrible has happened >> You're not consciously worried about anything >> Yet somehow your body feels unsettled >> Your mind is restless >> You're more easily triggered >> And you can't quite explain why

You feel me?

And Then There Is Sleep...

...or the lack of it.

I have recently also been learning about the relationship between progesterone and sleep, particularly that progesterone has calming effects in the brain and is associated with restorative sleep.

Which brings me to another question: How can you be tired and STILL not want to fall sleep easily?

I can be physically exhausted and I know I should sleep.

But somehow my brain thinks 11pm is an excellent time to play brain games. One round, then another round, then another, and one hour passed.

Earlier I joked that perhaps I'm addicted to dopamine.

Maybe not literally, but I have definitely trained my brain to expect entertainment right until bedtime instead of winding down.

So now I'm experimenting. No brain games for about an hour before sleeping.

Brain, please understand that office hours are over. 😭

Having More Context Is Important

When you're more anxious, sleeping badly, easily overwhelmed and not feeling as emotionally steady as before, it is very easy to turn everything inward.

Why am I like this nowadays? Why can't I handle stress like I used to? Why am I so easily irritated? Am I just becoming grumpier as I get older?

To be fair, yes, hormones may not be the explanation for everything.

But for me, learning about perimenopause isn't really about finding a hormone to blame or pigeonholing symptoms. It's about having more context. Because once you understand that something may be changing inside your body, you stop interpreting every change as some kind of personal failing.

The thought then changes from, "What is wrong with me?" TO

"Ahhh... so THAT might be what's going on."

And there it is again.

Aha. No wonder lah!

Next experiment: convincing my brain that bedtime is for sleeping, not achieving a new high score. 😑

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