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Life's like that...

It has been more than a year.

I procrastinated.


Avoiding head-on “collision” has always been my approach. I’ll snake my way through ANY situation that does not conform to my likes and convenience.


I was told that this is the “ostrich” syndrome. An ostrich will bury its head in sand when it senses upcoming danger. I’ve no idea how true this is but it does sound familiar. Whenever a situation occurs, which in nature is against my will, my likes, and my way, I’ll avoid it as much as I can. I’ll make myself believe that the situation will go away on its own. Time will tell, isn’t it?


This applies to the matter of taking leave and goes back to my hometown for a short break.

I have my reasons.

On one hand, I was excited and anticipated the days to be at home. On the other hand, I dreaded the days whereby I’ve to stay in the house because my father was no more there. Even worse, I’ve to deal with pangs of guilt for working so far away from home and my mother has to stay alone in this house. Argghh! I just can’t bring myself to agree to the idea of staying back to find a job in Bintulu! This town’s slow and steady pace will bore me to death. I’ve come out with plans to bring my mother over to PJ but just as I dislike the slow and steady lifestyle in Bintulu, she dislikes the fast and furious lifestyle in Klang Valley.

So?

Well… I don’t know. At the moment, the best solution that I could think of is to come home more often since she doesn’t like to travel.

*****

I took leave and boarded the flight bound to Bintulu with my sister.

*****

Wow… The house is as tidy as before. Just that more decorations could be seen hanging on the wall and they are handmade. My mother is good at keeping the house neat, tidy, homely, and inviting. I admire her for that. I believe my father would agree with me… if he’s still around.

The family kitty is still around. She meowed adoringly the moment I opened the door to the backyard. The guinea pigs are still there, only bigger in size, and older, I guess. Wow! The backyard is teeming with potted and hanging plants, and orchids. What an invigorating sight – a little forest with shades of green, white, red, and purple at the back of the house! Looking around the little backyard garden, I realize that my mother must have spent much time to take care of it. No wonder she doesn’t want to move out. She has her little garden to take care of.

Then, I went upstairs. The bedroom is as homely as ever. The bed sheets and pillow cases are fresh and clean. I put all my bags down and went downstairs because it’s dinner time!

After a year and a month, finally I could taste mum’s mouth-watering homecook food. The simple two-dish meal is incomparable! My mum does cook very well. So did my dad. He was a cook by profession. He served in one of the hotels in Bintulu for more than 20 years! Although I won’t be able to savor his dishes anymore, I’m glad that I’ve picked up cooking as one of my favorite pastime. Even more, cooking can be a very effective stress buster too!

*****

The main reason that I’m home is to pay a visit to my dad’s tomb. We spent the whole morning cleaning up the tiles and its surrounding area. It was indeed a new experience. More than a year ago, it never came across my mind that I’d have to do all these things… so fast!

Sometimes I still wonder and question the Lord although I know that His thought is higher than man’s thought and His ways are higher than man’s ways. In fact, on one hand, I still hold grudges against Him. The same old question is, “Why did You take my father away so sudden?” On the other hand, I still blamed myself for being away from home for so long a time that I didn’t aware of my father’s waning health condition. When I want to justify myself, I’d throw all blames on the Lord. One thing leads to another. Then, I began to blame Him for not letting my father live long enough to know who will be his son-in-law and to spend time with his grandchildren, if there are any. Then, I’ll blame Him even more. “Where is Mr. Right? I’ve been so obedient and listened to advises, so I didn’t get myself into relationships when I was studying in high school and even university. Now that I’m working, is this what I get – being alone and growing old alone? I just want a family. Is this too much?” LOL! I’m just being moody, I guess. The Lord MUST have His ways and timing.

I've faith in Him. Yes, I do.

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