I'm officially joining E3 for the Lord's Table from now onwards (now means the day I publish this post).
I've been through periods of:
1. Serving faithfully & happily by the mercy and grace of the Lord;
2. Being tested in order to be proven worthy of serving the Lord's sheep;
3. Being judged & judging myself for mistakes that I've committed;
4. Seriously considering to sever myself from the church life because I couldn't stand the pressure of being observed and due to my failures;
5. Making the decision to "retire" from the youth service.
Now, I'm attend-ing, I stress again, ATTEND-ing, NOT SERVING, the campus-cum-young working saints group, E3. However, I still couldn't get through the phobia of being seen as "an example of failure." I know this is my pride, ego, the self. Hey... if you have been through the two-year Full-time Training, served in the church as a full-time church worker, been sent to Russia for the Gospel Move to Russia 2007 for 3 weeks and now working full-time, you will know how I feel. I'm NOT a superman.
My dad passed away and I'm still depressed until now. I'm still single, so I'm depressed. By the way, where are all the guys? All male colleagues are either too young, or got girlfriends, or married. (Duh!) Church brothers? They are the "remnant" who don't seem to even know that I exist. (Sad...) I'm not young and I'm only starting to have my own career, which is way too far behind my contemporaries, so I'm depressed. I don't have a car and/or a house (*eyes-rolling*), so I'm stressed out. I got no rich parents who can pay my car's down payment or pay off my study loan's debt.
I have to strive on MY OWN to make ends meet, OK? So, don't talk to me about serving. I can't even make myself better, what good do you expect from me? So, I choose to retreat from the service for everyone's good.
Then, a hymn sung during my first "official" attendance with the saints in E3 caught my attention:
Worship of the Father - His Faithfulness
Stanza 1
"Great is Thy faithfulness," O God my Father,
There is no shadow of turning with Thee;
Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not;
As Thou hast been Thou forever wilt be.
[Chorus]
"Great is Thy faithfulness!" (2x)
Morning by morning new mercies I see;
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided -
"Great is Thy faithfulness," Lord, unto me!
Stanza 2
Summer and winter, and springtime and harvest,
Sun, moon and stars in their courses above,
Join with all nature in manifold witness
To Thy great faithfulness, mercy and love.
Stanza 3
Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth,
Thy own dear presence to cheer and to guide;
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!
Author: Thomas O. Chisholm
Copyright, 1923. Renewal 1951 by Hope Publishing Co. All Rights Reserved. Used by Permission.
I really hope to realize that God is faithful. Then, I won't be such a bittergourd.
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